Nights are hard. I sit on my green chair and take the pills out and lay them in piles of 5s. I count them to hundred and think of the relief and peace I'd feel if I put them 5 by 5 in mouth and swallowed. But I don't know what awaits me on the other side. Is it you? Is it hell and fire for the murder I committed. It's scary to think that some times I don't care. I want out of here.
Your father had his babies born on November 19th. Your sisters are alive and will be spending the holidays at their home with their mother and sister and with daddy too. They're named "Hannah" and "Elizabeth". Yesterday was thanksgiving and Allison cooked a lot of food and your dad loves his wife's cooking. He visited me briefly in the morning and then ran back to his house to celebrate.
At times I can almost hear him thinking, what the fuck am I doing with this depressing woman? She is boring and she argues and she is bitter. Amir, I told him I want to tell people about you but I knew his answer before I said it. He said it's not a good idea. Your mother means nothing, but you, it tears my heart to know how he's ashamed of you. Yet, I stay with this man. I settled to be the other woman. The woman he visits for a casual fuck or to get his dick hard enough to fuck the wife he loves and awaits him back home with the children he wants. Daddy didn't want me, he paid for your murder and there is no nice way to put it. He is there with her, happy with the babies. You were the son that did not fit into his scene and therefore it was easier to get rid of you like he did to me.
I had wings, I had dreams. He cut my wings and killed my dreams. He cut my tongue and so I stay silent and think of the day I'll get to see you. Please help me see you soon. I want you to visit me in my dreams and tell me if you'll be waiting for me when I go. Give me permission to cross over to you. Please. My beautiful son. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I can't live with it anymore. Please.
I'll send you a prayer tonight and sing for you too habibi.
Rest In Peace little prince.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Born Free
Born free from pain
Born free from trouble
Born free from sin
Born free from life.
My baby was born free
Today I missed you again
Today I was lost
The price I pay is high
This is what it costs
To be born free
Mommy loves her son
Mommy's arms are empty
She looks back as she runs
To the day the prince was born
Angels come and go
This angel was mine
Falcons, clouds, and all
The sun, forever shines
Turning my days to night
Born free from evil
Born free at heart
Born free from me
Born free at start
The day the prince was born
He went to heaven alone
Left his mother behind
at core so torn
She wakes up in nightmare
She sleeps not a mother
She dreams of life that never came
She lives in pieces forever
Half of her was him
Half of her is gone
Her dreams were put down
The day he was born
Born free from trouble
Born free from sin
Born free from life.
My baby was born free
Today I missed you again
Today I was lost
The price I pay is high
This is what it costs
To be born free
Mommy loves her son
Mommy's arms are empty
She looks back as she runs
To the day the prince was born
Angels come and go
This angel was mine
Falcons, clouds, and all
The sun, forever shines
Turning my days to night
Born free from evil
Born free at heart
Born free from me
Born free at start
The day the prince was born
He went to heaven alone
Left his mother behind
at core so torn
She wakes up in nightmare
She sleeps not a mother
She dreams of life that never came
She lives in pieces forever
Half of her was him
Half of her is gone
Her dreams were put down
The day he was born
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Dear Son
These posts are not for people to read. I don't write them for anyone. I don't even intend on reading them again myself. I take out the bad soul in me and put it out there. I try to voice the bitterness in my heart because usually no one wants to listen.
Amir, it's your mother. I regret it so bad. Nothing I might do would ever be more important than you. You were the man who was supposed to be different. You weren't going to be like all the others. You were gonna grow up and weren't going to die on me. You were going to go to school and God knows you were going to do good. Your mother would have never let you down even if after what I did, that seems hard to believe. You weren't going to doubt me. You weren't going to be like your father and leave me.
Amir, I was going to take a pill today for depression and on the instructions it says pregnant or nursing women can not take that pill. I felt so broken, I have your skull crushed inside me still. I did this to you. I am not pregnant nor will I be nursing you. Son, will you give me peace? I can not sleep. I am afraid of sleeping.
Forgive me please. I was so ready to have you and raise you. I wanted you for long. I dreamed of you for so very long. I go to the store and see a book for mothers with a picture of a baby on it and my heart just sinks deep in my chest. I see mothers carrying their new born babies and buying things and I feel my stomach rip. I think of your father begging his wife not to leave him, walking around town proud of his pregnant wife. Everyone knows she is having a twin girls and they're gonna be born and grow up but you're gone. I'll never hold you or take you to school. People don't even know about you.
My mouth taste bitter. My heart weighs a thousand tons and my shoulders carry so many words that I need to say and tears that I need to cry but it doesn't matter. I thought I knew pain. I thought the worst was over. I thought I lost those whom I lost and suffered my share. But losing you, the only thing left. The only future I wanted. I thought I was broken but I did not begin to break until I lost you. Years from now, your sisters from your father's wife will be grown and going to college, no one will know you existed, even your father might have forgotten about you. I will be your mother. I will have your 18 birthday and buy you a gift. I will bake you a cake. I will talk to you and I will remember you every day. I hope there is a heaven out there and a God so I can see you one day.
I regret what I've done. I regret losing you. I regret killing you. I regret not getting up that day and walking out of the waiting room to the car and away. I regret it so much it feels like a cold hand grabs my heart and rips it out. I need a miracle.I need to go to sleep and wake up then and just walk out. If only I knew what I know now. If only I thought about it more. I miss you moving. I miss you.
Your loving mother
Amir, it's your mother. I regret it so bad. Nothing I might do would ever be more important than you. You were the man who was supposed to be different. You weren't going to be like all the others. You were gonna grow up and weren't going to die on me. You were going to go to school and God knows you were going to do good. Your mother would have never let you down even if after what I did, that seems hard to believe. You weren't going to doubt me. You weren't going to be like your father and leave me.
Amir, I was going to take a pill today for depression and on the instructions it says pregnant or nursing women can not take that pill. I felt so broken, I have your skull crushed inside me still. I did this to you. I am not pregnant nor will I be nursing you. Son, will you give me peace? I can not sleep. I am afraid of sleeping.
Forgive me please. I was so ready to have you and raise you. I wanted you for long. I dreamed of you for so very long. I go to the store and see a book for mothers with a picture of a baby on it and my heart just sinks deep in my chest. I see mothers carrying their new born babies and buying things and I feel my stomach rip. I think of your father begging his wife not to leave him, walking around town proud of his pregnant wife. Everyone knows she is having a twin girls and they're gonna be born and grow up but you're gone. I'll never hold you or take you to school. People don't even know about you.
My mouth taste bitter. My heart weighs a thousand tons and my shoulders carry so many words that I need to say and tears that I need to cry but it doesn't matter. I thought I knew pain. I thought the worst was over. I thought I lost those whom I lost and suffered my share. But losing you, the only thing left. The only future I wanted. I thought I was broken but I did not begin to break until I lost you. Years from now, your sisters from your father's wife will be grown and going to college, no one will know you existed, even your father might have forgotten about you. I will be your mother. I will have your 18 birthday and buy you a gift. I will bake you a cake. I will talk to you and I will remember you every day. I hope there is a heaven out there and a God so I can see you one day.
I regret what I've done. I regret losing you. I regret killing you. I regret not getting up that day and walking out of the waiting room to the car and away. I regret it so much it feels like a cold hand grabs my heart and rips it out. I need a miracle.I need to go to sleep and wake up then and just walk out. If only I knew what I know now. If only I thought about it more. I miss you moving. I miss you.
Your loving mother
When I Carried My Son
When I carried my son
The flowers smelled pretty,
The sun shined above
Even when I looked down
When I carried my son,
Life rushed in me,
I ate for two,
Slept for two, on my side,
And he moved at night
So many times
Waking mommy up
So she can go to the bathroom.
When I carried my son,
I got A's in school,
I got plans ahead,
I got dreams and so much love,
I sang songs to calm him down
And my room smelled of us both.
Now it smells of his blood,
Now my dreams are stained
Like my sheets
And the washer can't get the stains out.
I walk to the kitchen to eat alone,
And my son stains the floor,
I scrub him off with tears and heart break,
And cry him till I wash his tiny shoes
With tears and kisses.
At night he played,
He smiled,
And I touched his tiny foot.
In the mornings he sent messages to daddy
" Hallaw baba, good morning,
I love you and can't wait to see you today".
He was going to go fishing,
And play soccer.
He was going to run kites
And be good at math.
He would have made his mommy proud.
My hands are bloody now,
No soap is strong enough
To wash a child's blood off of his mother's hands.
No use in picking up the pieces,
When they're the pieces of my dead baby
Somewhere in the trash.
No use of rest,
When the minute I wake up from my nightmares
I start facing the real ones.
When I carried my son,
It wasn't too long ago,
And in ten years from now,
It'll still be yesterday.
When I carried my son,
I stuck metal sticks
Right into his tiny heart
And waited all night
As life slowly left him,
He moved less
As he slid down from his mother's womb.
When I carried my son,
I killed him.
Now my son is dead.
The flowers smelled pretty,
The sun shined above
Even when I looked down
When I carried my son,
Life rushed in me,
I ate for two,
Slept for two, on my side,
And he moved at night
So many times
Waking mommy up
So she can go to the bathroom.
When I carried my son,
I got A's in school,
I got plans ahead,
I got dreams and so much love,
I sang songs to calm him down
And my room smelled of us both.
Now it smells of his blood,
Now my dreams are stained
Like my sheets
And the washer can't get the stains out.
I walk to the kitchen to eat alone,
And my son stains the floor,
I scrub him off with tears and heart break,
And cry him till I wash his tiny shoes
With tears and kisses.
At night he played,
He smiled,
And I touched his tiny foot.
In the mornings he sent messages to daddy
" Hallaw baba, good morning,
I love you and can't wait to see you today".
He was going to go fishing,
And play soccer.
He was going to run kites
And be good at math.
He would have made his mommy proud.
My hands are bloody now,
No soap is strong enough
To wash a child's blood off of his mother's hands.
No use in picking up the pieces,
When they're the pieces of my dead baby
Somewhere in the trash.
No use of rest,
When the minute I wake up from my nightmares
I start facing the real ones.
When I carried my son,
It wasn't too long ago,
And in ten years from now,
It'll still be yesterday.
When I carried my son,
I stuck metal sticks
Right into his tiny heart
And waited all night
As life slowly left him,
He moved less
As he slid down from his mother's womb.
When I carried my son,
I killed him.
Now my son is dead.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The kingdom's bird
Your father wrote this for you son.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Baba, don't cry for me today. For I saw the face of God.
Mama, you loved and cared for me. I saw the face of God.
For all your days I'll sing for you. Bring the sun and rain to you. Today I saw the face of God.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Baba, don't cry for me today. For I saw the face of God.
Mama, you loved and cared for me. I saw the face of God.
For all your days I'll sing for you. Bring the sun and rain to you. Today I saw the face of God.
Amir's Poem
Amir's Poem
When Amir is a little boy
His daddy'll be the mail man
With a different name tag every time
I won't know what to say
That's why he didn't stay
On his birthday he'll wish for his dad
For all the things he never had
His dad have chosen them over him
He'll hear them laugh on the phone
That's why Amir is gone
When Amir is 4 he will ask
Does daddy love them more?
I'll answer him surely not
Its just that he forgot
To call you today my beautiful boy
That's why my son is dead
When I'm 30 I'll bake him a cake
Kiss Amir and give him love
But Amir will still be sad
All he'll want is to see his dad
On that birthday He will be Seven
but instead today, my child went to heaven
When Amis is 16 he'll be a man
Maybe then he'll start to understand
Why things went the way they went
But at night I'll hear my little man cry
In his room alone at night
I'll cry too, on my cold bed
And that's why my little man is dead
Amir, my boy please don't cry
Today Habibi, you didnt die
My boy is a good boy, I'll never leave him
Doctor said you didn't hurt, and I believed him
What other choice do I have?
My heart is broken, without it's half
Ya Allah, you have my son
Take care of him, I know you will
I'll never know how you look like
Or how the sound of your voice would sound
I never said goodbye and I can only hope
That I have done the right thing
No, mommy isn't drunk on false hope
Mommy's just hurt.. for you
You'll always be with her son
That's why you'll always be a little boy
Never grow up or feel pain
You'll run and be alive
Forever in your mother's heart.
When Amir is a little boy
His daddy'll be the mail man
With a different name tag every time
I won't know what to say
That's why he didn't stay
On his birthday he'll wish for his dad
For all the things he never had
His dad have chosen them over him
He'll hear them laugh on the phone
That's why Amir is gone
When Amir is 4 he will ask
Does daddy love them more?
I'll answer him surely not
Its just that he forgot
To call you today my beautiful boy
That's why my son is dead
When I'm 30 I'll bake him a cake
Kiss Amir and give him love
But Amir will still be sad
All he'll want is to see his dad
On that birthday He will be Seven
but instead today, my child went to heaven
When Amis is 16 he'll be a man
Maybe then he'll start to understand
Why things went the way they went
But at night I'll hear my little man cry
In his room alone at night
I'll cry too, on my cold bed
And that's why my little man is dead
Amir, my boy please don't cry
Today Habibi, you didnt die
My boy is a good boy, I'll never leave him
Doctor said you didn't hurt, and I believed him
What other choice do I have?
My heart is broken, without it's half
Ya Allah, you have my son
Take care of him, I know you will
I'll never know how you look like
Or how the sound of your voice would sound
I never said goodbye and I can only hope
That I have done the right thing
No, mommy isn't drunk on false hope
Mommy's just hurt.. for you
You'll always be with her son
That's why you'll always be a little boy
Never grow up or feel pain
You'll run and be alive
Forever in your mother's heart.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
He Said
He called her precious
He called her princess
He told her she was a goddess
And no one is worthy of her
He told her it's only him
who cares as much
it's only him
who'd love her as much
He called her precious
And she believed she were
She had long dark hair
And big brown eyes
She loved when he sang for her
"Stand by me.. Stand by me"
She learned "Brown skin"
she learned to live
She learned to love
Now he's not there
She cut her hair
And sold it to the devil
She prayed he'd care
That she's still special
Is there anyone who hears her?
She prays, she fasts
She fights to have him back
She kicks, she bites,
She yells and screams
He tells her, love would never last
She dreams of words
He said to her
Precious, Special, Princess
She'd kill to die free from those words
She craves love, pure and only for her
But she's not worthy
She never were
She always prayed for anything
But another broken heart
Is there a God out there?
I don't know anymore.
He called her princess
He told her she was a goddess
And no one is worthy of her
He told her it's only him
who cares as much
it's only him
who'd love her as much
He called her precious
And she believed she were
She had long dark hair
And big brown eyes
She loved when he sang for her
"Stand by me.. Stand by me"
She learned "Brown skin"
she learned to live
She learned to love
Now he's not there
She cut her hair
And sold it to the devil
She prayed he'd care
That she's still special
Is there anyone who hears her?
She prays, she fasts
She fights to have him back
She kicks, she bites,
She yells and screams
He tells her, love would never last
She dreams of words
He said to her
Precious, Special, Princess
She'd kill to die free from those words
She craves love, pure and only for her
But she's not worthy
She never were
She always prayed for anything
But another broken heart
Is there a God out there?
I don't know anymore.
All the right reasons
My baby left me for all the right reasons
My baby, walked away, and I sympathize
My darling chose not to love me
For all the right reasons
My Mouth is dry
My mouth is shut closed
Like all the doors he slammed in my face
My baby left me
And I sympathize
I keep on knocking
Why, when I know,
I keep waiting out his door
I press my open palms
On the window’s clear glass
I see him in a bubble, dreaming of no past
My baby, walked away, and I won’t ask him why
My eyes are wide open
I’d close them, if you want me to
Just slide it all the way, in my cold chest
I need your daggers warmth, more than anything
Let me pass for one last time
Through your heart and unto the world
Let me live, dying, in your air
With a smile, I still care
Even though, you walked away
For all the right reasons.
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